I Wish I Learned to Grieve

Scrolling thru my Facebook timeline from 5 years ago reminds me of my habit that never change. I could never watch the fighting part nor the very sad part of a movie. I mostly take my head phones off, skip it, or check my phone. I should have known it’s a bad habit, or perhaps I knew it is. But I keep dismissing the importance of facing death of spouse, blood, hurt, scars, or betrayal. Until I could not deny the fact that I don’t know how to grieve.

Couple months ago I lost someone who once were everything to me. It was unbelievable and too soon. No one would predict it happens. If two years ago people told me what would happen in January 5th 2017, I would have never believed them, I would never. But it did happen. And I wasn’t ready, I am not ready, I will never be.

To be honest, part of me was relieved that we were not as close as we used to be when he passed away. Or I would have gone crazy. But still, he was once my everything, I was once his everything. And once means three years of deep passionate love, I guess. The last couple of months bofore we went our separate ways were brutal. Or as I once said “we were growing apart”.

I never admit to myself that deep down there was always that small part of me believed we will end up together. “Not now, but later”.  The things is, for thousand times I told myself that I can’t and I shouldn’t end up with him. His mother was not fond of me and she thought her son deserves better. Believe me, I didn’t beg to differ, it just hurted very much. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life trapped with mother in law who wished I never existed in her son’s life. She even tried to introduce another girl to him when in her knowledge we were still together. Maybe that’s why his mother apologized to me over and over again after his son’s death. Looking at her apologizing, I think to myself that maybe she has done worse but her son has been covering it up from me. I don’t know.

After we broke up, we let ourselves go over one another. He said he likes my friend which I thought was the worst thing that could happen after breaking up from someone or so I thought. He wanted me to introduce him to her because she was my friend and she went to the same university with me. Honestly, I didn’t really know her but I know she was my friend’s ex-girlfriend. I rejected his wish. Well, I didn’t think they will fit each other and I thought I was doing him a favor. It didn’t stop him tho. He added her facebook, followed her instagram, liked all of her status. And me? I was busy thinking about someone else. Someone I admired before he and I broke up. Despite our dramatic, full of love and sacrifices relationship, It was still long distance relationship and at the end we were miserable together.

I didn’t throw away our memories all at once. The time when I decided to end all hopes was 5 months before he passed or one and a half year after breaking up. There was nothing very emotional about the time I threw away our first love letter. I needed to completely block the possibility of getting back together with him because I still can’t accept the fact that her mother didn’t (or doesn’t?) like me and he liked my friend. Eventhough I, myself, was no better.

I had been writing to cope with his death. I also wrote an anonymous story about us and published it. It got 6000++ shares. But I don’t think it helps. The thought of him still got me. Before I sleep, when I am at the bathroom. The picture of him died on his bed haunts me. I wish I never seen it but it was impossible because it was all over the place. “A man died because he was using headphone on a charging phone while asleep”. It was heart attack, his parents stated.

I like to think that sometimes he is visiting me, looking at me. But I got scared of my own thought because I am afraid of ghost or I don’t want him to see me because I don’t wear make up or I look ugly and fat as fuck. One of those things. Then again, why would he visit me? I am no one to him. I don’t think I mean anything for him before he passed away. I was history. I was his past. There is no reason for him to care about me.

He was also afraid of ghost though. We watched a lot of movies at my house and everytime we watched a horror movie he would freaked out. He was a wimp, just like me. I don’t know how he is handling it now, living on the other world, is he scared? Is he okay?

Despite him moving on, I think I was the only name he ever mentioned to his families or high school friends. Therefore many people thought we were still close when he passed. I got many stories from his friends, teachers, siblings, about how he was a good guy and how much he loved me. One of his families or neighbors (I have never met her before) said to me “cintanya dibawa mati ya” (he carried his love for you to the grave). Love, huh? I think they just don’t know how the last two years have been going for us. There was a rumor that he was about to get married tho. I don’t know with who. No one mentioned it but one teacher who got the rumor from his neighbor. She said before he passed, he asked his mother to clean his room because he wanted to propose to a girl. I don’t get the name because no one mentioned a name. I don’t know the truth and hope it wasn’t me (like I need to worry).

It has been five months since he passed, I don’t know how to not being okay. I can’t tell when something is healing or getting worse. I don’t know what is normal and what is not. The other day his mom texted me another apology and wished me Ramadhan Mubarak. I replied the same points. Should I visit them on Eid Al-Fitr? I wonder. I don’t want to be rude but I am afraid my present will bring painful memory to his parent. I also don’t wanna be that girl who thinks that I matter for his family when in fact I don’t.

What should I do? What should I feel? I wish I learned to watch fighting and/or very sad part of a movie. So I would have gotten used to this heavy heart and agonizing feeling. I can’t skip this part of my life.

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